sanityrain

I can’t even remember the last time I logged on.  I turned 25 this month.  I don’t want to be this size when I am 26…

I joined a gym in August.  Haven’t been consistent but its definitely more exercise than I have gotten in a long time.  The groceries I buy now are way more health conscience.  I NEVER thought I would be the one to look at labels and automatically look for “fat free” foods.  It’s nice, I must admit.  I have gone down a belt size but haven’t had a chance to weigh myself.  It’s hard, don’t get me wrong.  I would rather be laying in my bed cuddling with my dog than working out, but when I get to the gym and start sweating it’s a better feeling.  I wouldn’t say I have completely turned my life around.  I still eat chips and fries.  I even get a pepsi when I can.  But, those are never the first things I reach for now.  And I even catch myself groaning just thinking about fast food.  It doesn’t taste good anymore.  Fresh food has got my mouth watery these days.

I was looking for quick fixes.  I bought that 6 week body makeover thing from the infomercials, I bought this quick slimming tea.  Now that I think about it, what a waste of money.  It took me 25 years to gain this weight, how can it possibly take 6 weeks to lose it all?  So, by changing the way I look at food, and my exercising habits, I can now accomplish probably the biggest thing in my life…ME.

I am heading out Sunday for a week.  I am a regional trainer and a new store is opening.  Its gonna be hard because there is no kitchen to cook your own meals.  The meals from our restaurant are free so we all just eat out from different places or our own.  I have been coming up with simple ideas on modifying plates to be healthier.  I know that my best bet is to drink plenty of water the whole time I am there.  Which makes sense because our days are about 10-12 hour shifts.  And being on your feet all day while you have been drinking sodas and sugar packed drinks is not good…trust me.

I have found that it is difficult to want to work out with the kind of job i have.  When i get home i am physically exhausted.  Most due to the fact that i am constantly on my feet carrying around so much weight.  But, i know that once you start working out, it becomes routine and easier, and you feel better….but its GETTING to that point that sucks…I just wish i was there already.  i wish that i have made working out and exercising a habit….because then i’d BE THERE….you know? 

I know that if I wasn’t a server/bartender I would probably be a lot larger than i am.  Its the constant running around and walking in the restaurant that helps…every little bit helps, I guess.

I have always been the “fat” friend.  It’s never been pointed out or said aloud…just known.  It has never been a big deal either.  I just have never had the typical friendships with girls that others may have had. 

I never got to share clothes.  Shopping as a matter of fact was usually nonexistent due to the fact that walking into department stores I’d find myself going straight to the jewelry or hair accessories.  (The latest fashion trend stores don’t carry our sizes ladies.)

The boys that I would have crushes on I would fear would choose my thinner friends over me no matter how great my personality was.

It really isn’t a big deal when I think about it.  I know that having a thinner waist line and nicer body doesn’t make you happy.  I know I WOULD be, but my point is, is that I have been evaluating my life over these past few weeks and I am this beautiful person.  But, I am starting to realize that most people don’t see that.  They see my size.

I have a best friend that I’ve had in my life since I was little.  HIS name is Drew.  We have always been inseparable.  Our teachers would say we were “attached at the hip.”  Our parents always wanted us to get together.  We would just laugh it off.  He is a good guy, but with time he and I have drifted.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re still the best of friends, but not as close.  We live in different cities.  Our lives are on different paths.

He came down to visit me for 10 days.  We saw my parents and my sisters and laughed, had many lunches and dinners and basically caught up on each others’ lives. 

I found out that after a dinner with my mom and sisters that my mom mentioned to one of them that she “wishes Debbie would lose weight so Drew would like her and they could get married.” 

My whole life my mom would say, “You’re so pretty, if only you would lose weight…” 

Maybe I don’t feel the need to lose weight subconsciously just to spite her…does that make sense?

My whole life I have been overweight.  With my height always adding to the “freak show,” I was strangely NEVER uncomfortable.  I was never embarrassed.  I was never picked on.  I actually was voted most popular, class clown, most school spirited and Miss CHS. I was an all around student in high-school.  Was involved in so many extracurricular activities.  I was never ashamed. 

Until now. For the first time in my life…I am embarrassed.  At the age of 25, i can’t help but wonder if people around me think of me as a slob…as lazy…unkempt.  With today’s “healthier living” shit everywhere you’d think we would all be healthy and thin. 

Its hard going out to bars with friends.  Knowing that you are the “fat one.”  Don’t get me wrong, i have the greatest friends and to this day have still been lucky to have never been made fun of.  But, i know what “attractive” is.  And now in my mid 20s I don’t feel it.  It isn’t until now that I feel uncomfortable.  Whereas before I was always comfortable.  I was the one with the amazing personality that overrode my weight. 

Now what…?

i haven’t weighed myself in awhile, and when i did it was 320 and i just know that i have gained since then.  3 has always been my lucky number, so i picked 333…i guess not so lucky weight wise
i haven’t logged on to here in a while either…i am taking small steps…but i work is a restaurant…i’m a bartender/server and am constantly around food.  i don’t eat a lot at all.  that’s not the problem.  my problem is is that i have weird hours.  i tend to only eat once a day.  i may wake up, get get ready for work, eat and then work.  come home and its 2 a.m.  one of my roommates is actually going to school to be a dietitian <sp?> and she says that’s my problem because my body thinks its not going to eat again and stores the fat for nutrients…
so that’s my problem…
I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO…
i think i’m just comfortable…you know?

its weird. i know exactly what i should and shouldn’t be eating.  i know the exercises i need to do.  i know how many calories i need to burn to lose a pound.  most importantly, i know i WANT to lose weight.  i know how tired i don’t want to be anymore.  i know how much being overweight it holding me back. i know the cons of all of this.  but for some reason, i have no motivation.  i CAN’T seem to get off my ass and do it.  i get into these mind sets and “THATS IT. THIS IS IT. IT’S TIME TO START…”  but i don’t

why?  something has to be holding me back…cause i want to lose weight so bad i can’t see straight…but i don’t even try.